just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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