I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My brain says no but my pants say off.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I would ride that face into the sunset
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
