I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
