Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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