Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize