I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
