legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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