so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
