my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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