Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
