Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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