this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
