she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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