so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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