I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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