You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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