drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
