3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
