peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize