it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
