Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Say something about gay babies.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
