from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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