Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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