I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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