My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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