the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
