Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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