may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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