I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize