my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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