We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
