Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
