You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
