Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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