i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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