what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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