last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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