I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
farters have to be the big spoon...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
