Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
