If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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