So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize