i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
