How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The uberlube is also flammable
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
