your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
