remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
