look no pants
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
