Will you blow on my dice?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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