Your face is a jimmy john
Sponge bath it is.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize