Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
