Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
