I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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