Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
