sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
