Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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