I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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