I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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