he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
