I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
