I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
