i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
