I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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