Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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