Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
