His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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