I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
