How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
This beer is not sobering me up at all
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize