I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize