saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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